I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Everyone says I win the strip club
We're too hungover to prance.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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