so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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