Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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