im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
