Sry I called you an 8
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
