bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Randomize
