dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
