We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
