How'd it feel making her break her religion?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
