I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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