I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
