She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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