Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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