I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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