if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
