We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
