I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
