I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Randomize
