Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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