new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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