either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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