Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
