she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
