is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
