honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
