My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
