i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
