When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
