Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
