Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
