Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
