You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
