Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
whose ass print is on the piano?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
he just fucked me for my cheese..
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
