Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
