So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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