He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Randomize
