Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Randomize
