so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I stole a fireplace last night.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
