Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
