I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
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