he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
