i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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