We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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