Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
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