The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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