He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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