She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
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