My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
