I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
