The brown eye won't let me do that either.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
