You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
